


we're holding our own (and we won't let go)

by akissontitan



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, Mentally Ill Character, Nonbinary Character, Other, Queerplatonic relationship, Transgender Characters, agender suga, mentions of previous self-harm, suicidal thoughts/urges, this is A Sad One but nothing bad happens i wouldnt do that to my Children, trans girl asahi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 23:06:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4198488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akissontitan/pseuds/akissontitan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't know how much longer I can hold on for."</p>
            </blockquote>





	we're holding our own (and we won't let go)

**Author's Note:**

> Hoooo jeez ok I really don't feel happy about this one but it was kinda upsetting to write so I don't wanna edit it more so. Here we are.
> 
> As I mentioned in the tags, this fic involves mentions of self harm, and a lot of suicidal/depressed thoughts and allusions to disassociation from Suga. If that sounds like it'll upset you, please proceed with caution.
> 
> Suga is agender and uses ae/aer/aerself pronouns. I know that this can be kinda jarring for new readers but writing aer with anything else feels weird. Also trans girl Asahi. To be clear - the negative themes in this fic have nothing to do with them being trans.
> 
> Also I didn't explicitly state that they're queerplatonic, so you can perceive their relationship however you like. Romo asasuga is a blessing, but I wanted to steer away from anything overtly romantic due to the nature of the fic.
> 
> Title is from Great Big Storm by Nate Ruess.

_2012_

It was edging towards the middle of their first year, and Asahi and Koushi had taken advantage of a rare weekend with little homework to have a sleepover. They had spent most of the day playing video games and reading manga, squeezed together on Koushi's single mattress, and when the sun set, Koushi had gotten up to change into aer pyjamas.

And normally ae was so careful - changing away from everyone else before and after volleyball practice, wearing the uniform's long sleeved shirt when necessary - but for some reason even Koushi couldn't quite understand, ae decided to get undressed in front of aer friend.

In a way, ae liked the way Asahi blushed a little when ae began pulling off aer shirt, the light of aer bedside lamp illuminating aer body just enough. But when her eyes focused on aer stomach, and the rows and rows of angry cuts covering the space, Asahi's wide-eyed, scared expression made aer feel sick. The cuts were fresh enough to sting at aer belly whenever ae moved - was Asahi's presence really so soothing that it made aer forget about the secret ae kept from _everyone_ so carefully?!

Ae shoved on aer pyjama shirt with cold and trembling hands, grazing the fabric a little rougher than necessary over aer abdomen. _Stupid. Stupid selfish dumbass idiot-_

"You too?"

Asahi's whisper-quiet voice sounded like drowning. Like being pulled back to shore.

Koushi sat on the corner of aer bed, arms curled around aer stomach even though it wasn't on display any more. Ae knew Asahi had said something important, but it was hard to remember just what. It was hard to think or breathe or look at her, and as caring and tender as her gaze seemed, Koushi couldn't help but feel terrified.

"Suga..." the brunette shuffled over to beside aer, mattress dipping where she sat, "see? I do it too." She hiked her shorts up high and turned her thigh, revealing three or four nasty, thick lines beginning to scar over on her dark skin. Clever, to do it there. No one would see unless they really looked. Koushi felt some of the shakiness on the edge of aer vision recede, and although ae felt like it would be wrong to feel _relieved_ at the sight of what was obviously a symbol of aer friend's unhappiness, a little sliver of hope crept into aer chest nonetheless.

Eye contact was still kind of hard, so ae just leaned in to Asahi's shoulder, warm and big becoming so familiar. Somehow they ended up lying together on the bed, knees tessellated together and foreheads close.

Asahi carded a hand through aer hair, the motion beginning to tempt aer towards sleep. Her voice through the air was a pleasant lilt. "I've been trying to stop, you know."

Koushi snorted quietly. "I've been trying to stop since I started. But nothing helps."

Her hand stilled, body adjusting slightly in the dim light. "Maybe we should try together. I won't do it if you won't, or something."

Ae turned the sentence over in aer head. "That's a pretty fragile agreement."

"I know. But you wouldn't let me down."

The confidence with which Asahi spoke was jarring. Koushi never really had expectations to live up to, and it felt kind of nerve-wracking to think Asahi thought so highly of aer. It was nice, though: ae was fragile tonight, but ae could imagine aer friend's conviction giving aer the courage to push through even when she wanted to relapse. Maybe this was what ae needed.

"Okay. Deal."

"Deal."

Koushi shifted, heart fluttering a little in aer chest. "Um, we could drag a futon in here for you, but. I'm comfortable here, if you are?" 

Asahi nodded beside aer. "It's a little cramped, but yeah, it's...I'm comfortable too."

Ae smiled and reached over her to turn the lamp off, room going dark aside from the sliver of street light coming through the window. Secretly, ae was glad Asahi didn't want the futon. She was warm, and soft, and even the sting of healing cuts on aer belly wasn't as sharp with her around.

 

_2015_

The chime of aer phone is a loud shock to Koushi's ears, even though it's on the bed and ae's on the floor, wedged in the gap between aer dresser and the wall, trying to ground aerself with the pressure of hard wood against aer sides.

Koushi would know it was Asahi texting even if ae didn't have a custom text tone for her. She's perceptive, irritatingly so sometimes, especially when it comes to Koushi's wellbeing. With an effort that seems much greater than it should be, ae wriggles out of aer hiding spot and over to aer bed.

_frm: Asa <3_  
_> Are you okay?_

And ae feels like crying because Asahi texts the same thing every time she notices aer having a bad day at school, and it's so predictable but so _kind_ and ae surely doesn't deserve someone as wonderful as her.

_frm: Asa <3_  
_> Can I call you?_

Koushi sends a quick "yes" with shaky fingers and lowers aerself down onto aer bed, the mattress no more comfortable against aer ass than the floor felt. When the phone rings, ae puts it to aer ear and says nothing, a tight lump in aer throat preventing any words from coming out, even if ae wanted to speak.

"Hey.. how are you feeling?"

Ae forces out a squeaky sound that could be interpreted in a multitude of different ways, but ae trusts that Asahi got the message that ae doesn't really feel like talking.

"Um, you walked home without me today, I didn't get a chance tell you, but I did really good on my math test in last period. Well, I don't know the results yet, but I _felt_ confident, so thank you for helping me study the other day."

That makes Koushi smile a little. Asahi worries herself into a fit over every test, and really, she's not as academically inept as she seems to think she is. Ae moves to lie down on aer side, phone propped against aer head as ae listens to aer partner talk.

"I think Naito-Sensei is starting to warm up to me, which helps. She doesn't scamper away quite as fast any more when she puts papers on my desk. Of course, Nishinoya telling me to get a tongue piercing would probably set her back a few steps, in that regard. Although I suppose she wouldn't really see my tongue? Actually, that's probably one of the safer places to get a piercing, when it comes to concealing it. N-Not that I'm thinking about doing it, or anything!"

Ae giggles softly, and ae can hear Asahi chuckling too, probably partially out of relief that ae's still listening. Really, Koushi thinks, she really does deserve so much better than a friend like aerself, who only ever seems to take, and take, and take. That thought brings a million different ones to aer mind: all aer friends would be better off without aer, Asahi wouldn't have to worry as much, ae could die and no one would have to be upset-- 

Koushi squeezes aer eyes shut. Thoughts like that tend to sneak up and surprise aer, which is the scariest part. It's all scary. Aer mind is scary. Aer fingers find their way to the few faded marks left on aer belly.

"I don't know how much longer I can hold on for."

Aer own words surprise aer as they tumble from aer mouth, but they're true. Everything has hurt so bad lately; affected aer in ways they shouldn't, made aer feel like ae's walking through molasses. The effort of staying alive is overwhelming to the point where focusing on anything else is impossible, and it's hard to think of reasons to keep going at all. Koushi finds aerself cringing like a child expecting a scolding.

Asahi stays silent for sixteen seconds. Koushi counts them to give aer brain something to focus on, but each additional number makes aer stomach drop another inch.

"Can you hold on for tonight?"

Tears sting aer eyes because _god_ , her voice is so soft, she's being so _patient_ and ae doesn't deserve this and-

"Koushi?"

The tears are making things hard to see, so ae sits up again, dizziness making aer feel like ae could float right out of aer body. Ae stares out the window at the street light across the road, willing the world to stop spinning. It's not that ae wants to die. It just feels like ae should be dead, like some cosmic accident occurred in bringing aer to life in the first place. And if Koushi's honest with aerself, ae's too tired to try anything tonight. Even dying seems like an insurmountable wall of effort. "Maybe. I think I can."

Asahi sighs into the receiver, but it doesn't sound too sad. "Good. You have to hold on tomorrow, too, because Hinata's been talking all week about showing us something at practice on Friday and we can't miss that."

Koushi's mouth twitches. Ae can guess that Hinata's "big surprise" will be yet another weird spike he's come up with, but it's always nice to see his shining face when he tries something new.

"And all next week, Tanaka's sister is picking him up from school, so we have to be there to see Coach Ukai drooling at her when she arrives!"

The laughter that erupts from aer throat surprises even aer, humoured at both the memory of the times Ukai has stared at her in the past, and also by Asahi's cheeky tactic. It's working a little, Koushi admits to aerself hesitantly. It's working enough.

"Well, do I have anything on two Thursdays from now?" Ae asks, a fond smile still playing on aer lips, playing along.

"Oh, um, well, yes! Noya's finally going to convince me to get that piercing, and you'll have to spoon-feed me soup until my tongue heals. Sorry!"

Both of them giggle again, and Koushi feels a bit more weighted; a bit more human and a little less ghost.

Asahi's voice gets quieter. "We've done so well keeping our promises, Koushi. You're so brave, and good things can only happen if you stay alive, so... you should. Just until tomorrow."

Koushi nods, suddenly feeling sleepy enough to lie down properly and pull the covers up to aer neck. "And then the next day."

"And then the one after that."

Koushi's heart hurts for how much ae wishes Asahi was in bed beside aer. The rhythm of her breathing on the other end of the line is nice too, though; slow and even like waves prodding aer towards shore.

"Are you in bed?"

A soft noise of affirmation is all the response ae can muster.

"Good. I love you Koushi. See you tomorrow?"

Koushi clicks the light of aer lamp off with one heavy arm, and burrows a little deeper into aer comforter, allowing the grip on aer phone to loosen. It'll be lost in the blankets by morning.

"Yeah. You will."

**Author's Note:**

> uuuUUUUUuuugh I hate writing sad fics but I feel like there's a need for more fanworks with these themes that aren't.....obviously written by someone who has never experienced them, lol. 
> 
> Come talk happy headcanons with me over on [tumblr](http://nixiad.tumblr.com) or [twitter](http://twitter.com/caointeach) to get our minds off this nonsense!


End file.
